Tag Archives: meditation

Adios

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I just returned from 10 days in Oaxaca where I visited with one of my meditation teacher friends, Linda.

When I met Linda at our Community Dharma Leader training at Spirit Rock in 2005, she was just retiring and moving to Oaxaca. Now she is 84 and has lived in Oaxaca for 18 years.

So when we had our last meal together, I said, “Farewell, dear Linda. I may never see you again in this lifetime.”

I may or may not ever go to Oaxaca again. She used to be based in California, where many of her friends and family are, so New England is seldom in her travel plans. I cannot truthfully say “See you later. Nos vemos.”

I used to depend on seeing Linda at our CDL3 retreats every 18 months, but due to the Heavenly Messengers of aging and illness, our classmates recently decided to “sunset” those get-togethers. As a group, we are either too old or too infirm to travel, so it’s time for those in-person retreats to come to an end. I wasn’t surprised that our in-person retreats expired. For our last retreat, 16 people signed up, but then 9 of them cancelled due to aging or illness or disability.

I may see Linda on a group Zoom call in the future. A dozen of our 85 classmates do get together every month to talk about EcoDharma, but that little Zoom square is not the same as a 2-hour lunch or a 1-hour walk or an unexpected adventure.

The previous time I saw Linda, we stayed in an Airbnb in Boulder to acclimatize for a weekend before going up to the Rocky Mountain Ecodharma Center at 8500’ for what was to be our final CDL3 retreat—a hybrid retreat.

In person, Linda and 3 other classmates and i had the adventure of breaking into our Airbnb because the batteries on the keypad lock on the front door had died, and the host didn’t answer the phone. When you’re in person with a friend, memorable adventures sometimes happen.

Good-bye. Adios to all that.

Another friend recently said that she hates to say good-bye. She just wants to leave, sneak out, get away before good-byes are said. I, on the other hand, like to recognize these sorts of passages.

That’s the reason I held Linda’s hand, looked her in the eyes, and thanked her for her friendship. Just in case I don’t see you again in this lifetime, fare thee well, my friend.

What is this Self that we are so sure we have?

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The Buddha’s most difficult teaching is that of not-self. When some people hear about not-self, no-self, non-self, they put on the brakes and stop meditating altogether. Not-self sounds scary. Who am i, if i’m not a self?

So let’s start here. What is this “self” anyway?

The Buddha has given a list called the 5 Aggregates. Combine (or aggregate) these 5 things, and voila! You have a self.

Namarupa–name & form. Yes, this body seems to be my body.

Vedana–Feelings or hedonic tone. Yes, my feelings are my feelings.

Perception–Yes, my 5-sense door perceptions are my perceptions.

Consciousness–Yes, my consciousness seems to be my consciousness.

Sankharas–of which there are 52. Yikes! These are variously translated as concoctions, fabrications, mental formations (Yes, my thoughts and dreams are mine.)

But let’s leave this mind-boggling list behind. What, in your lived experience, is the self?

First, where is the self located? Say “I, I, I, I, I” until you feel it in your body. Say “me, me, me, me, me” until you feel it in your body.

Some people say the I is behind the face or more specifically behind the eyes. Isn’t there a homunculus sitting behind the eyes pulling the gears and levers? Sort of like the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain? Some people point to their chest; some to their belly.

Ask “Who am i?” for 10 minutes at the end of meditation. Jot down your list. No need for the mind to go chasing after answers. Simply drop the question into the quiet-ish pool of your mind. Let the question sink. Maybe no answer arises. That’s okay. Keep asking.

Ask “What am i?” and jot down that list.

Whatever you have on your list, use that as a contemplation the next time you meditate. Ask yourself: Do i have a soul? Is something in me continuous? Am i a very particular collection of patterns and habits? Is that true? Truly true?

Keep looking for that self that feels so sure of itself.